All Stocks Crashing at the Start of the Year

The latest report from a conglomeration of sources indicates that every single stock is crashing. Data were compiled from the first two weeks of trading, revealing this disturbing trend.

Stock market crash

Oil stocks are declining with the falling prices of barrels. Precious metal prices are falling, well, because nobody wants them anymore. One metals industry executive said that she did not need gold or diamonds anymore because, “I have Facebook, what more do I need.”

Financial analysts say that, at the current rate, the Dow Jones Industrial Average could sink to zero by June. “In that case, we start all over again. I think we’ll start to have to dig into marijuana as the new stock commodity.”

Investors have begun vacating the trading floors, the Non-Associated Press has reported. Brokers are now resorting to reversing their mortgages and selling more fancy watches on the streets.

The following two tabs change content below.

Daniel Simmons